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Don't Buy Gold Bond Extra Strength Green Bottle Balls

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January 12, 2017
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"Join the Gold Bond Body Powder Club or be gay!" was the motto of our new PL during Annual Training. The PL was an enlisted soldier before becoming an officer. Our PSG was a former Drill SGT, both squared away soldiers.As the story goes, it was a hot ball sweaty annual training period and my PL would practically bathe himself in Gold Bond Powder. Of course some of our platoon would follow but use the terrible army issue crap. The PL would tell us the importance of good ball hygiene in the field because Gold Bond would keep your balls clean, keep the ticks off, mosquitoes away, and your buddy from trying anything.We had a quick refit before Squad Live Fire and several soldiers wanted to make a PX run. The PL told his PSG - do not buy the Green Label Extra Strength Gold Bond - it will set your balls on fire. As the PL / PSG RTO/ Driver / bitch he made me sign a counseling statement to never repeat anything ever said to the platoon or else.


The PSG flips into Drill SGT mode in the PX parking lot and instructors all of the soldiers in the Deuce and Half to only buy the Extra Strength Gold Bond. Starts yelling at us to get off the truck and hurry the fuck up.Fast Forward - after the platoon finishes its final blank fire before we go live the next day. The PSG sits us down to have a platoon AAR. Its uncomfortably hot and muggy, Heat Cat 5 and shit so lots of breaks. The PL does a quick splash of Gold Bond to his balls and then 8 or 9 soldiers pull out the Green Extra Strength Gold Bond Powder.All I remember is the PL looking at the PSG and the PSG grinning from Ear to Ear - One of the PFCs sounds off wanna be tougher than you Sir and SFC *&*^*&^. Gobs of Gold Bond Extra Strength dumped on his sweaty balls. A few minutes goes by and several soldiers start feeling the Extra Strength Gold Bond burning their sweaty balls.PVT A asks his Squad Leader to go the water buffalo - his face in panic and pain - dead sprints and washes his balls off. Canteens being poured to cool the pain - the initial pour of water made it worse before the relief sets in. Several young privates learned a valuable lesson - don't buy Gold Bond Extra Strength in the Green package.Later the PSG was overheard saying, "damn wish I was a Drill again".

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