So no shit, there I was 2003…. recently graduated college, full of piss and vinegar, and several years older than most of the baby faced mouth breathers around me. I came in ready for PT and prepared for the fuck fuck games, thanks to the long line of military service in my fam. I was a pretty smart guy and able to quickly realize I should have gone to officer school instead of this shit hole.But screw it, the contract is signed so why not own this mofo, right?I’m convinced my squadron was where they sent everyone who scored somewhere between Marine and crack baby on the ASVAB. We had a very special snowflake nicknamed “Trainee FAN” by our astute instructors, and Trainee FAN was one of those people who always smelled bad no matter what.During week 3 Trainee FAN stopped hydrating and was complaining about stomach pains, refusing to drink any water even when our 6’4” Dwayne Johnson looking TI threatened to rip off FAN’s head and shove his canteen down his throat. Being an element leader and one of the oldest, I was tasked with escorting this trainee to sick call. apparently they can’t really force feed you that high quality H2O at Lackland.
Marching this shit stick to the med center, we weren’t supposed to talk but I just had to find out what his deal was. Everyone knew he was faking something and I was pissed about the prospect of sitting quietly in some corner for the next 3 hours, waiting to babysit “Trainee Feet Ass & Nuts” back to the squadron.Trainee FAN halts out of nowhere and looks me dead in the eyes, with his pale harry potter stare “I think… I might need your help. They’re gonna recycle me or kick me out if I go to sick call.” At this point I thought he was going to reveal that he was really a “she.” Maybe Trainee FAN always smelled bad because he was secretly having period problems associated with basic training. #girlproblemsHe says, “there’s shit in my canteen.” I told him we all have shit in our canteens but we still drink it” and he replies, “no really I have poop in my canteen. That’s why I couldn’t drink water today.”
I’m stunned, sickened and curious all at the same time… so of course I asked to see it. This dude opens up a canteen full of ass that almost made me vomit instantly. Apparently FAN had a phobia about pooping in public so he ninja’d himself into the day room and somehow managed to get his #2 firmly lodged in his government issued hydration unit. I told him he was fucked either way, but he’s better off dealing with the TIs.I march his ass back toward the squadron, while he’s crying for me to help him find a way to clean it out. Honestly, if this was a good wingman or someone that actually put in effort, I would have helped. But this whiny failed abortion deserved whatever was coming his way. #PullOutNextTimeBack at the company our flight was nowhere to be found, probably on the drill pad, watching movies or doing some other gay Air Force BMT shit. So I happily took Trainee FAN to CQ where we promptly met the Squadron Commander, and First Sergeant. This is my first time in the kill zone, so truth be told, I am scared shitless as I mutter out “Sir, Trainee H reports.”The Commander glares at me and asks what we are doing here. “Sir, I was supposed to escort “Trainee F” to sick call, but I don’t believe he needs to go to sick call.” Instantly cutoff I learned a valuable lesson about disregarding an order and attempting to think on my own… but that’s a whole ‘nother story gents. Explaining what was going on, I figured I was as dead-to-rights as my temporary wingman.The crusty old First Shirt actually took the canteen, and started to open it but stopped as he turned green and began belching.Within seconds he puked all over the CQ desk and projectile vomited onto the Major’s finely pressed blues. The madness that ensued felt like an hour, but was probably no more than a minute. Trainee FAN was pressed against the wall by the First Sausage, as he could barely hold back from killing this moron. The Major lost his military bearing in my face as he screamed more profanities than an Army MP getting backdoored in a Ft. Bliss latrine. #NoLubeNeededWe spent hours cleaning and re-cleaning chunks from the CQ…. I found out where the term “1st Sausage” came from. I was eventually given an LOC and recycled 2 weeks for not following orders. Trainee FAN disappeared into the wild blue yonder, never to be seen again. #byeFelicia #HelloNavy