Basic Training Story 4741

The year was 2000, and I had arrived at MCRD in June. Halfway through training, I wound up getting stress fractures and was sent to MRP (Medical Recovery Platoon.) After about 3 weeks of being there, I was promoted to the position of Guide. About two days prior to that, we had a couple of "suicide" attempts, and we all know, 99% of them were just an attempt at getting out of basic and going home. Not long after I had assumed the position of Guide, we had 3 or 4 more attempts, and hilarious was the way I would describe most of them.The first person to attempt this typical boot feat, was a young man that decided he was going to end his life with a web belt. The result, he wound up choking himself unconscious, and the DI heard the thud of him hitting the wall in the head, which if you've been to MCRD, is the main passageway to the adjoining barracks is the side of the DI duty hut. The DI came out, and started yelling at this guy with the power of a neutron star, to which the only response we kept hearing was ":::gargling:::AYYYYYYEEEE SURRRRR!"

The second attempt was a genius who was from Oregon, and he decided to end his life by drinking almost an entire bottle of Listerine. The result? A DI found him in the whiskey locker drunk as fuck, and he brought him out and asked him "WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING?" The recruit responded "Hyyyyydrating surrr." We all lost our shit, because halfway through this, the DI noticed he had pissed his pants.Well, to get on with it, the DI who found the drunk recruit was a Gunny, and lets just say, he had enough of this trash and went a little overboard. The DI looked like James Brown and sounded like Chris Rock, so you can imagine how fucking hilarious the next portion of this was. He called a school circle to the quarterdeck, and had the recruits stack the three footlockers for a podium, and the DI proceeded to give a class on "How to kill yourself successfully." He then took a canteen, poured the water out of it on the deck, and said "Eyeballs!"..."It's not that hard recruits, lookey here....this is how you go about it. Not one part, not two parts, you fill the fucker up. Understand?" At this time, he filled the canteen to the brim with bleach, and said "You drink this whole thing, every last drop, understand?" Everyone sounded off "YES SIR!". Class was over.I fucking shit you not, that night, a brilliant recruit gave it his all to use this method to go home; however, he filled it halfway with water, and halfway with bleach. He got sick as dog shit and had to go to medical.The following day, the fucking DI's school circle was loads of laughs about how ASVAB waivers are killing the Corps, and he lost his own bearing during the speech about 30 times. (Speech was only about 10 minutes long.) He was laughing at how ridiculous we all were that we couldn't fill a canteen full of bleach without fucking it up. Needless to say, 17 years later, I still laugh my ass off at those last two classes with that DI.