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Hot Vacation Spot: Chernobyl

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July 11, 2019
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No, we're not joking. Chernobyl is set to become an official tourist attraction. Because nothing says enjoy your stay like the attendant with four mouths and eighteen fingers. We know tons of people already take the trip, but...meh not our idea of a totally great time.The president of Ukraine stated, "Chernobyl has been a negative part of Ukraine's brand. The time has come to change this."Like, ok, cool we get it, man, you want to own the negative parts of your countries history, turn the negative into a positive by being proactive. Ok...maybe the meltdown of a nuclear reactor isn't the best place to do that. We just can't imagine ourselves saying "Hey kids, where do you want to go for vacation? Disneyland or Chernobyl?" And even if we could fathom saying that, we couldn't see any kid saying "CHERNOBYL, WE WANT CHERNOBYL."The souvenirs are probably really unique though. Everyone gets a unique and distinct genetic mutation or death. You could come away with a third leg or super cancer. What a wonderful time! Just kidding. They are going to create 'green zones' for people to traverse through...yeah ok, still...it can't be that good for you.The upgrades to the area will include a whole bunch of walking trails because you know...we all want to wander around a radioactive forest in the former Soviet Union, not like we'll find anything creepy there. They will also upgrade the cell phone reception in the area so that when Ukraine's version of "The Hills Have Eyes" people come to get you, your loved ones can hear your last words as you're eaten alive.We used to think that only Japan was like super weird and creepy after getting some nuclear radiation courtesy of the Manhattan Project, but apparently, we were so very very wrong."We will create a green corridor for tourists, Chernobyl is a unique place on the planet where nature [has been] reborn after a huge man-made disaster," said President Zelensky.Yeah, reborn with a bunch of mutated shit bro. Look as much as we like you guys and hate Diet Soviet Union, we're not coming to Chernobyl on our two weeks paid vacation. Just not gonna happen.

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