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Pvt. Falls Victim to Oldest Trick in the Book

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February 14, 2017
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This is a story of a young private's first encounter with the impossible sit-up.Back in 2003 at Fort Sill in the 95th AG/processing center, we were going through the motions before actually heading to basic training. This meant shots, briefings, death by PowerPoint and getting smoked either by the Drill Sergeant or his two salty Specialists.One night in the barracks before lights out, some of the recruits decided to get some PT in since the test to be allowed into basic was in a couple days or else get stuck in Fat Camp or FTB. A Private we'll call Flick made it known that he wasn't too good with sit-ups and needed to work on those. Private Flick was a goofy looking ginger kid who shockingly resembled the Shermanator off of American Pie in every way.Seeing this as an opportunity, a much larger and heavier Private we'll call Shrek said he had a secret that will help Flick's struggle with sit-ups. The secret was known as the impossible sit-up. Shrek instructed Flick to lay down in the sit-up position and let two other privates provide resistance by holding him down with a folded towel over his face as he tried to sit up. Flick seemed pretty motivated to try this shortcut and quickly assumed the sit-up position and was eagerly waiting to start.

The two privates who had towel duty put it over Flick's face and Shrek instructed him to start trying to sit-up.Mind you, this is happening just before lights out after a day of getting smoked in the Oklahoma heat in August and sweating our balls and asses off, so everyone smelled awful. As Private Flick was valiantly trying to do a sit-up with a towel over his face, Shrek quickly stood over him. Shrek dropped his skidmarked shorts thus exposing his hairy, sweaty, poorly wiped ass and squatted inches above Flick's face.Shrek told Flick to give his all for the next sit-up and poor kid started, in an instant the two privates holding him down quickly pulled the towel away causing Flick to spring up like a mouse trap and bury his face right into Shrek's polluted ass crack.With practically the whole bay watching this unfold, Flick panicked at the feel of his newfound ass-mask and rapidly withdrew himself, but not without leftovers of Shrek's lunch and dinner caked on his nose, mouth and chin. The entire bay was dying of laughter as Private Flick sprinted for the latrine dry heaving the entire way as most of us began to do so as well once the smell permeated the room.

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