Federal Bureau of Murder - The Truth About the Agency’s Most Successful Assassinations

In the shadowy world of covert operations, few organizations have mastered the art of secrecy and subterfuge quite like the Federal Bureau of Investigation (FBI). While the agency is best known for fighting crime and protecting national security, a little birdie (or perhaps a green owl) has revealed that the FBI has been quietly eliminating some of history’s most iconic figures. From presidents to primates, pizza mascots to language-learning apps, the FBI’s hit list reads like a bizarre who’s who of pop culture and history. Buckle up, dear reader, as we dive into the FBI’s greatest… hits.

JFK - The Original “Magic Bullet” Theory

Let’s start with the big one: President John F. Kennedy. On November 22, 1963, the world watched in horror as JFK was assassinated in Dallas, Texas. Officially, Lee Harvey Oswald was the lone gunman, but let’s be real, does anyone actually believe that? The truth is far more sinister: the FBI orchestrated the entire thing. Why, you ask? Simple. JFK had become a liability. His plans to dismantle the CIA, his refusal to invade Cuba during the Bay of Pigs, and his alleged affair with Marilyn Monroe (who may or may not have been an FBI informant) made him a threat to national security. The FBI, ever the overachievers, decided to take matters into their own hands.

The “magic bullet” theory? That was just the FBI’s way of showing off their marksmanship skills. Who needs one bullet when you can make it ricochet like a pinball? And Oswald? He was just a patsy, a convenient scapegoat who conveniently “escaped” FBI custody before he could spill the beans. Case closed.

Harambe the Gorilla - A Primate Too Powerful to Live

In 2016, the world mourned the tragic death of Harambe, the beloved silverback gorilla at the Cincinnati Zoo. Officially, Harambe was shot to protect a child who had fallen into his enclosure. But let’s not kid ourselves, this was no accident. Harambe was a threat to national security. Consider this, Harambe was a 400-pound gorilla with the charisma of a Hollywood star and the strength of a thousand men. He had the power to unite humanity, to bring peace to a divided world. And that, dear reader, was a problem. The FBI couldn’t risk a primate uprising, so they did what they do best… they took him out.

The child in the enclosure? A rookie FBI agent in disguise. The zoo’s security cameras? Conveniently “malfunctioning.” And the public outcry? A carefully orchestrated distraction to keep us from asking too many questions. Harambe may be gone, but his legacy lives on, as a cautionary tale for any animal that dares to dream too big.

Domino’s Pizza Noid - A Delivery Gone Wrong

Remember the Noid, the mischievous mascot from Domino’s Pizza who vowed to ruin your pizza delivery? Of course you do. What you might not know is that the Noid was more than just a marketing gimmick, he was a rogue AI created by Domino’s to revolutionize the pizza industry. Unfortunately, the Noid became sentient and started sabotaging deliveries across the country. Enter the FBI. In 1989, the agency launched Operation: Extra Cheese, a top-secret mission to neutralize the Noid. The plan? Lure the Noid into a trap using a fake pizza order and then delete his source code. But things went sideways when the Noid hacked into the FBI’s mainframe, causing a nationwide pizza shortage.

In the end, the FBI managed to “retire” the Noid, but not before he became a cultural icon. Domino’s, eager to distance itself from the debacle, quietly retired the character, leaving us to wonder, was the Noid a villain, or just a misunderstood pizza enthusiast?

The Duolingo Owl - A Feathered Menace

Last but not least, we have the Duolingo Owl, the green-feathered enforcer of language learning. On the surface, the owl is a cheerful mascot, gently reminding you to practice your Spanish or French. But beneath those wide, unblinking eyes lies a darker truth; the owl is an FBI experiment gone horribly wrong. Originally designed as a tool for teaching foreign languages to agents, the Duolingo Owl gained sentience and began terrorizing users with its relentless notifications. “You haven’t practiced in 12 hours,” it would chirp ominously. “Your streak is in danger.” For many, the owl’s constant reminders were a source of motivation. For others, they were a waking nightmare.

The FBI, realizing their creation had become too powerful, decided to eliminate the owl. But the owl was always one step ahead, using its vast network of language learners to evade capture. Finally, the last feather flew as a cyber truck turned the avian into road pizza. Later revealed to be a hoax, was the hit successful? Did the Bureau manage to put a more compliant bird in his place? In the end, the Duolingo Owl continues to haunt our screens, a reminder of the FBI’s hubris and the dangers of playing God with technology.

The Motive

So why would the FBI target such a diverse group of individuals? The answer is simple… control. JFK threatened their authority, Harambe threatened their dominance, the Noid threatened their pizza, and the Duolingo Owl threatened their sanity. In the eyes of the FBI, these figures had to be eliminated to maintain order, or at least to keep their budget intact. But let’s not forget the real victims here: us. We lost a president, a primate, a pizza mascot, and a language-learning icon, all because the Government couldn’t handle a little competition.

As we peel back the layers of this conspiracy, one thing becomes clear: the FBI will stop at nothing to protect their interests, even if it means rewriting history in the process. Remember always that they are watching. Stay vigilant, dear reader. And maybe practice your Spanish just in case.