So this isn't a personal basic training story but instead the funny shit I heard while in the trainee DFAC. In between getting the balls smoked off me in Sapper School and learning super Sapperific Sapper shit, there were very few moments of respite during the GS portion of the school. Cue my favorite thing behind the Muntar hitch.Chow.So there I was. Hair outta regs. Boots unbloused. And starving like a mother fucker.In the midst of a sea of privates I watched.And there I saw the fat bastard. Gut hanging from his trousers, glasses canted on his face, and by God did the kid have the chubbiest mother fucking cheeks I've ever seen. The Gerber baby himself paled in comparison to this bloated whale of a private.No way Enrique Iglesias graduated.
But I digress. So there I am watching this chipmunk looking private waddle his way through the DFAC. His wobbly little arms clutching his cups of milk like his mother, Big Bertha the cow, squeezed them from her teats and blessed her chubby child with her holy milk. When the unthinkable happens.He spills his milk.White fluid covered the floor like a barracks bukkake party gone wrong. Or right.Like a shark sensing a sea cow on its period, the wild DS attacked.Much of what the 5'8 Black E-6 type said was lost to time and my fucked up memory. However, I will forever remember this."Holy shit Private! Do you even know how much God damned work it takes to squeeze milk from a freaking cow? Because I do. And your mom didn't milk for shit Private! Goddamn! Clean this shit up and start Mooing.""Yes Drill Sergeant!""I said Moo!""Moooooooo Drill Sergeant!!"Best thing I've ever heard. Hats off to you random DS. SLTW