The Three Best Ways to Prevent Hangovers - Or at Least Pretend You’re Trying

Ah, the hangover. That cruel, uninvited guest who crashes on your couch after a night of revelry, eats all your snacks, and then screams in your ear every time you move your head. We’ve all been there: lying in bed, swearing off alcohol forever, and Googling “how to reattach my soul to my body.” But fear not, dear reader! I’ve done the hard work (read: made many poor life choices) to bring you the three best ways to prevent hangovers. Or, at the very least, to make you feel like you tried.

Hydrate Like You’re a Camel Preparing for the Apocalypse

Water is your best friend. Pedialyte before drinking is your best friend, but water is pretty dependable too. The problem is, when you’re three margaritas deep and someone shouts, “SHOTS!”, your brain suddenly forgets that water exists. But here’s the trick: alternate every alcoholic drink with a glass of water. Yes, it means you’ll be peeing more than a racehorse, but it also means you’ll wake up feeling like a functional human instead of a dried-out raisin.

Pro tip: Pedialyte in your fridge for when you go to bed will fix almost anything.

Eat, But at Your Own Risk

Nothing says “I’m an adult who makes good decisions” like shoving a greasy burger into your face at 2 a.m. But here’s the thing: eating before (and during) drinking is like putting a force field around your stomach. It slows down the absorption of alcohol, which means you’ll feel less like a human dumpster fire... At first. Then at some point your body will get flooded with booze into the part that absorbs it, and you will crash out. You can eat but remember that you may see that quesadilla again.

Choose Your Poison Wisely (or Just Stick to Beer)

Not all alcohols are created equally. Some are your fun, quirky friends, and others are straight-up villains in disguise. Dark liquors like whiskey and red wine contain congeners, which are basically tiny demons that make hangovers worse. So, if you’re trying to avoid feeling like death warmed over, stick to clear liquors like vodka or gin. Or better yet just drink beer. Sure, you’ll feel bloated and slightly ashamed, but at least you won’t be crying into your pillow at noon.

Of course, the best way to prevent a hangover is to not drink at all. But let’s be realistic, is that going to happen? Life is about balance: balancing your cocktails with water, balancing your alcohol intake with food, and balancing your dignity with that one karaoke song you swear you nailed. So go forth, drink responsibly, and remember: if all else fails, there’s always hair of the dog. Just don’t ask me what kind of dog it is.