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As a young woman, I know the world can be a dangerous place. The uncomfortable truth is that most violence against women and girls is perpetrated by men. Security specialist and author of The Gift of Fear, (author’s note, everyone should be strongly encouraged to read this book) puts it starkly: “At core, men are afraid women will laugh at them, while at core, women are afraid men will kill them.”
That reality is why fathers, brothers, uncles, and cousins play such a crucial role in teaching girls both preventative safety skills and self-defense. I am fortunate to have men like this in my life, and the advice they have shared has shaped how I protect myself.
Preventative Measures
When it comes to self-defense, preventative measures and knee-jerk physical responses are equally important. Though physical force may at times be necessary, it is best to find a way to remove oneself or avoid that situation altogether.
- Follow Your Gut:
A gut reaction of fear, disgust, or urgency is an ultimate survival mechanism. However, girls often feel social pressure to ignore this feeling, so as to not be dubbed “rude”, “no fun”, or “uptight”. Most women have at once in their life allowed a man to encroach on their physical space or asked invasive questions and kept quiet to keep the peace.
When I was 16 years old, I was shopping for a prom dress at one of the bigger malls in my area in the evening time. There was a man, who I got the feeling was following me, but I told myself to ignore it. When I got to the Junior’s section of the department store, he approached me and said that he had a daughter my age and size, who he wanted to buy a nice dress for, but he did not understand American sizing. I immediately felt a pang in my gut and a voice in my head to get the Hell out of there. I started handing the man random dresses in my size, hoping that he would leave me alone. He kept pushing, making comments about my appearance, until he finally asked me to come try the dress on in the dressing room “in exchange for a small gift” so he would know what it looked like on his daughter. I could no longer ignore my gut feeling. It was dark outside, and the mall was nearly empty. I gave a firm “no” and walked over to the customer service desk where another young woman was working. She was able to get me a security escort to my car, and I made it out of the situation safely. After discussing the event with a friend who works as a social worker, she told me that the mall was a hotbed for underage sex trafficking. Listening to my gut kept me away from a life-altering travesty.
- General Awareness:
It is important to be both situationally aware, and to do your research. Teach your daughter to do research on laws in her area including if she legally has to pull over for a cop at night, what constitutes sexual assault, and regulations regarding weapons. Know where campus safety centers are, and if it is possible to get a safe escort at night. Additionally, teach her to research situations before entering them. Is the rent on her first apartment too good to be true because it is in an unsafe area? Does the fraternity throwing the party she is attending have a reputation for trying to inebriate underclassmen? Has her handsome and charming tinder date been arrested for assault and battery? As my uncle puts it, “be responsible, educate yourself.”
Situational awareness is equally important. Teach your daughter that it is best to park in well-lit areas, always scan parking garages, not walk down secluded streets after dark, and not drink too much or take other substances that would hinder her ability to assess a situation. Keep an eye on the guy walking behind you on your jog. Watch your drink at the bar and absolutely DO NOT leave it unattended to go dance, shoot pool, or use the bathroom.
- Boundaries:
“Boundaries are necessary in all relationships that you have, always be prepared to stand by those boundaries”, was a succinct yet important tidbit of advice that I got. Out of approximately 8 in 10 rapes, the victim knew the offender. Nearly every woman I know who was assaulted by somebody they knew or survived an abusive relationship shared one common denominator: the perpetrator did not jump straight to violence, he began eroding boundaries insidiously. This can take many forms. It can be a high school flame that pushes sex despite her wanting to wait. It can be a serious boyfriend who starts guilting her out of going to girls nights or spending time with family. It can be a friend who gets handsy after having a few too many drinks. It can be a sports coach that makes a comment about her legs. Teach your daughter to know what she is and is not okay with and to not budge, even if that makes her unpopular or ends the relationship. Some of the best advice I have ever received is, “the word ‘no’ is a complete sentence.”
- Have an escape plan
Building off of awareness, it is wise to always have an exit strategy. On a rudimentary level, know where the entrances and exits are. Even if you are catching an Uber, know the route to your destination, so your driver cannot divert. If you are going on a first date, make sure that at least one friend or family member will be awaiting an “I just got back home” text, has your location, a photo of the date, and his first and last name.
When Worst Comes to Worse
Unfortunately, sometimes preventative measures are not enough, and your daughter may end up in a dangerous situation. This is why it is also imperative to teach her how to quickly and safely protect herself.
- Be Loud and Get Physical:
Often the wisest way to escape a dangerous situation is to make a scene. Teach your daughter to not be afraid to scream for help, and be specific about what is happening. This may alert bystanders to intervene or call 911. It may also scare the assailant off. During graduate school, I waited tables in a sports bar that seemed to attract scum of the earth like moths to a lamp. One day, a particularly vile specimen decided to try to pull me onto his lap. While pulling away, I yelled as loudly as I could, “You’re trying to pull me onto your lap! WTF is wrong with you?” He quickly let go. Not only was he humiliated, but my manager physically threw him out and told him that he was never welcome back again.
On top of being loud, teach your daughters to not be afraid to get physical. Training martial arts with them, especially more practical disciplines like muay thai and jiu jitsu will give them a strong foundation of confidence. Additionally, teach them to be physical by whatever means necessary–a knee to the groin, smashing glasses, a palm to the nose, or even biting and scratching.
- Carry a Weapon and be Confident With it:
As the old adage goes, “God created man and woman, but Samuel Colt created us equal.” This is not to say that a firearm is the only valid weapon. However, men will generally have a physical advantage of size and strength, and a weapon levels that playing field. That is why it is important for fathers to teach their daughters to always carry something they can protect themselves with, and to feel comfortable and competent using it. A gun is a viable option. However, knives, tasers, Byrna launchers, and pepper gel are also effective. Weapons can additionally be a deterrent. I carry a long range pepper gel with UV tinted ink that sticks to the skin for 48 hours on my key ring. After extensive practice shooting it at cans in my alley, I feel confident with my ability to use it. Recently, I was walking to the beach when a mentally disturbed man started hassling me. I turned around, pointed my pepper gel at him, and gave him a stern, “move along.” He left me alone. In the best case scenario, a weapon can scare away an assailant and give your daughter a bode of confidence. In the worst, it can be a difference between life and death.
The best advice is to just be in your daughter's corner. Make sure that she knows that if she’s 11 and her teacher is giving her the creeps, she can feel safe telling you. Make sure she knows that if she is 16 and the party she is at is taking a crazy turn, she can call you to pick her up. Make sure that she knows that if she is 22 and her boyfriend is becoming abusive, you will help her move out of their apartment to somewhere safe. Even at 26, I know that my dad is always someone that I can count on.
