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Spy Balloon Shot Down: Crises Averted

History of U.S Comedy
History of U.S Comedy
February 5, 2023
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After several embarrassingly awkward days, our government finally authorized a strike against the purported Chinese spy balloon that has been menacingly floating through our nation’s sky. 

An F-22, possibly the sexiest fighter jet out there, nailed that sucker with a missile about 6 nautical miles off the coast of Myrtle Beach, near Joint Base Charleston in South Carolina. As a result, there is a chance PETA will stage a protest over plankton harmed by the crashing spy balloon, but that story is still developing. 

As he headed to Camp David (for a celebratory soda-pop?), President Biden told the press, “They successfully took it down and I want to complement our aviators who did it.” 

I imagine the aviators probably wanted to respond by saying if the President was well and truly thankful, he could authorize strippers in the ready room. Much like their forerunners had back in Vietnam. However, they probably just buzzed the tower, and went to a bar near base to brag to the local women about their thrilling heroics (as they should).

Thus, the possibility of the balloon harboring some type of doomsday weapon seems to have been averted, but speculation is fun. Imagine if it had been carrying a Fallout 4 style mini nuke, and a gust of wind took the fiery debris back over land. The ensuing radiation would probably empower the black mold dominating the nearby Naval base and we would have a real life The Last of Us situation. 

The Intel game is reaching new heights, our brand NEW Counter Spy shirt is available now!

The fact that a crash could have happened at any point along the balloon’s flight path makes you wonder what this might have looked like if the worst had happened. The flight path passed near some major cities like Billings, Rapid City, Omaha, St. Louis, Johnson City, and Raleigh.

That’s all for now folks, make sure to stay tuned for the next super random event that suddenly happens. If we are in fact living in a simulation, it seems the writers are running out of material and just making it up as they go. 

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