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Beard Care 101: The Ultimate Guide for Men

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Mammoth Sniper Challenge
January 23, 2018
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So, you have a beard huh? And you want to take care of your beard in the manliest way possible. It's not surprising. Growing a manly beard is not for the faint of heart or for those who can't karate chop down a redwood tree. A manly beard will change your DNA, increasing your strength by 150%. You won't be a "superhero" with powers, but you'll be like, Batman or Iron Man level.So first off, you're going to need to get some Merica Bourbon. That's right bourbon! Every time you get out of the shower, you're going to want to splash copious amounts of bourbon on your beard. Make sure to really work it in there. Don't wipe the excess off your face either, you want to allow your skin and beard hair to absorb as much Merica Bourbon as possible so the beard grows long and powerful! If you don't have Merica Bourbon, don't use a substitute, buy some Merica Bourbon, anything other than Merica will shrivel your beard up and make the hair fall out.

beard care

Our next beard care tip kills two birds two giant charging rhinoceroses with one stone. Your body and your beard need sustenance to survive, so you're gonna cook some bacon. By some bacon, we mean at least three or four pounds for starters. Now that you've cooked the bacon and started eating it, make sure as much bacon grease gets on your beard as possible. That will really give it a good shine and a beautiful all-American scent. Do you smell that? We do, it smells like manly freedom.

beard care

Last but not least, nobody likes their hair being tangled. You're going to have to brush out your beard. Brushing the beard makes it look nice and ensures that all the bacon grease and Merica Bourbon get down in the roots as well. You have two options for brushing your beard. You can either grab the nearest porcupine and start brushing away, or you can beat up a grizzly bear and use his claws to brush your beard. It's all a matter of personal preference. Thanks for reading!


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