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St. Valentine's Roadmap to the Clitoris

February 1, 2023
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Valentine’s Day is just around the corner, on 14 February, and you’ve still got time to get flowers and cards ready, (but not much time so best to do it soon). Before the day arrives, maybe it would be best to cover a few items in preparation, especially what to do when the aforementioned gifts are well received by your partner. 

Gentlemen, sit kneel bend, I need you to pay attention. There is this thing called a ‘clitoris’… Okay so maybe that joke is a little dated, as anyone who has made it to this site to read this article is likely more knowledgeable than a boot trying to figure out the advanced trigonometric formula of how bra clasps function, but hear me out just in case. 

You’ve gotten her consent and willing enthusiastic participation in some over the pants stuff, and then the top comes off, and then the bottoms. Now, you go down to show your appreciation for her being in your life by wearing her thighs like earmuffs and… then what? 

How do we produce the glorious sounds of cosmic climax? Being down there is a good start, as a large percentage of women say they don’t receive this particular activity generously enough, but let’s not settle for just okay.

Nibble a few spots GENTLY. It’s a thigh not a cheeseburger Kevin, you shouldn’t gnaw on it. A little teasing is good, but wrap it up before it gets weird.

During arousal, blood flow will increase to the clitoris and it may swell a little, making it easier to spot. But generally speaking, it is at the top of the vagina, just under the spot where the inner labia meet and form a little hood.

Not sure if you’re at the right spot? ASK! It is perfectly okay to ask a partener “Can you show me where it feels best?” I promise they would rather take a second to point, then have you lick the left side of their outer labia for 45 minutes. Every woman is different, so don’t just assume your old tricks will always work. 

When you finally do get to the Pink Button of Fate, much like St. Valentine, there are a few tricks to choose from.

You are not a dog lapping at a water bowl; change directions and modulate pressure. You'll know which pressure to use once she needs the good Saint to keep from fainting.

The button is not a single nerve, it’s a bundle. Taking proper advantage of that fact can be a force multiplier. Consider a two-dimensional model of the galaxy; broken into four equal parts, each quadrant with different densities of stellar bodies. Why just hang out in one quadrant when you can explore the whole place?

Lastly, a little suction can be your friend. Your tongue doesn’t get to tap out, but the two can work in concert. Make sure you keep in mind that too much of a good thing can be painful. In terms of scale, slightly more than the effort needed to drink from a straw does wonders.

Remember, consistency towards the end can make all the difference. If you feel her hands grip your hair while her body tightens, don’t immediately change the tempo or pressure. This may cause the moment to be lost, and you’ll have to start again.

Once you’ve hit the high score, maxed out the combo meter, or whatever euphemism fits your particular situation, remember aftercare is important. That may look different for each person, perhaps some light cuddling, maybe feeding her some chocolate, or offering to pay her water bill (JK). Everyone has a different idea of romance. 

As with all things in life, a little mystery goes a long way, so those are all the secrets you get from me this time around. Remember that as St. Valentine became a symbol for love, happiness, and for some reason bees, the right amount of effort to show your affection for your partner can make you that symbol for them as well. Now go forth and do despicable, consensual things. 

History of St. Valentine’s Day

Where does St. Valentine’s Day come from? Simply put, it’s a little confusing because of the sheer number of Saints named Valentine (there’s even a Pope named Valentine who only served as such for 40 days) but generally speaking it is the Christian feast day celebrating two of these venerated men. Then again, they might have been the same man, beheaded by the Roman Empire. While in prison awaiting this fate, he (one of them at least) is said to have either cured his jailer’s daughter’s eyesight, written the same daughter a love letter that ended in the Roman equivalent of “Your Valentine”, or secretly wed Roman soldiers who weren’t authorized to do so. Perhaps all of these and a few more besides. As with most folklore and mythology, bits and pieces have been added over time, some easier to track down than others.

The feast day began to more specifically be associated with couples and romance in the way we think of today around the 14th and 15th centuries when the notion of courtly love became more widespread. The giving of flowers and cards were more commonplace, and in England the connection to love birds was drawn due to it’s position on the calendar being close to spring. 

Another interesting piece of information to have handy is this; Patron Saints pull a lot of extra duty in the afterlife. St. Valentine’s patronage covers engaged couples, fainting, beekeepers, happy marriages, the mentally ill, plague, and epilepsy. The last is often considered “St. Valentine’s Malady.”

So, the flowers are purchased, the cards are written, dinner and maybe a romantic moonlit stroll are arranged. It’s Valentine’s Day evening, make sure to be safe, enjoy yourself, and each other *wink*.

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