How Much Did We Spend on A Toilet Seat? – Some Alternative Uses of Taxpayer Funds

In case you didn’t know, the US Air Force spent $10,000 on custom toilet seats covers… Multiple times. And we mean within the last few years. Managing taxpayer money is a serious business, but who says it can’t be bizarre and suspicious? In a world where it sometimes feels like our hard-earned dollars disappear into black holes of bureaucratic inefficiency, it’s nice to imagine a few more creative uses for those funds that could make us hate the government slightly less. These programs may never happen, but it’d be a lot cooler if they did.

National Clear Communications Initiative

This program would first seek out and modernize all forms of government communication that sounds like a lawyer vomited Taco Bell into a Latin dictionary. Laws do need to be precise, but they are allowed to be in things that resemble sentences on occasion. The NCCI would also streamline government forms to be easier to understand, and if they are electronic, not require knowledge of coding in order to fix the pdf designed by the civil service guy that still uses a Blackberry and microwaves fish in the breakroom.

Additional state level programs could also update building codes for government office phones and fast-food restaurants requiring their communication systems to have been made in the 21^st century and not rely on duct tape and wishes. A digital menu board but you’re taking my order via carrier pigeon. I think not.

Federal Office Navigation Program

We already have GPS that is good enough that my watch can get me from point A to point B on a topographic map, so why is it impossible to find a government office without a tour of the basement? Anyone who has visited a VA hospital knows this feeling well, having been given instructions on how to enter the lair of the goblin king and a weird room designation that is as counterintuitive as they could manage. Buildings would be updated with a digital office map, and when the customer selected the office they need, a colored light pattern would direct them to it. Ender’s Game and Star Trek have both used a similar system, and all it requires is the LED light strips every teenager soaked their rooms in during the pandemic and an iPad to control them.

State governments should also adopt this system or hire at least one Waffle House line cook to evaluate their floor plan to ensure it is the least bullshit layout that they can manage.

Department of Labor - Office of Jargon Reduction

From the passing of the law requiring it, the OJR will be tasked with putting inspectors in meetings involving middle management or higher, with two objectives: translate nonsense management speak into English and ensure that the meeting lasts only as long as it absolutely must.

Okay, this might be government overreach, but hear me out. The Bureau of Labor and Statistics already has data that shows the average 40 hour a week office worker in the US spends 15 of those hours in pointless meetings, wasting valuable time and money. This program makes the workers happy, saves the company and the government money, improves the economy… That’s the correct type of government interference in my book. Bonus points if we add the requirement that an organization must make their PowerPoints at least mildly entertaining or never let Kevin touch the slide deck again. Or, you know, anyone else…

These may seem like nothing programs, certainly not high on the priority list, but consider for a moment how deeply inefficiency wastes your life. If you need to renew a permit or pay a ticket, often that’s half your day gone rather than in, out, and back to playing Fallout at home with a cold beverage at the end of your day.

‍