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Ah, the Meal, Ready-to-Eat, better known as the MRE. It’s the culinary equivalent of a Swiss Army knife: compact, durable, and capable of sustaining life in the most extreme conditions. But for all its practical benefits, the MRE has long been the subject of rumors, myths, and outright conspiracy theories. One of the most persistent (and hilarious) claims is that MREs cause erectile dysfunction (ED). Yes, you read that right. Some people believe that these little brown packets of sustenance could be the reason your warfighter isn’t standing at attention. So, let’s unpack this myth, literally and figuratively, and see if there’s any truth to it.
The Origins of the Myth
The idea that MREs cause ED likely stems from a combination of factors: the military’s love of acronyms, the unappetizing nature of some MRE meals, and the universal human tendency to blame anything but ourselves for our problems. After all, if you’re a soldier in the field, eating your third MRE of the day while sitting in a muddy trench, it’s easy to point the finger at the shrink-wrapped beef patty in your hands and say, “This is why I can’t feel my legs… or anything else.”
The myth gained traction in the early 2000s, thanks to internet forums and the occasional barracks rumor. Some claimed that the preservatives in MREs were to blame, while others pointed to the high sodium content or the mysterious “chemicals” that supposedly lurked within. And let’s not forget the infamous “Jalapeño Cheese Spread Incident” of 2003, which may or may not have involved a soldier, a dare, and a very awkward visit to the medic.
The Science, or Lack Thereof
Let’s get one thing straight: there is no scientific evidence linking MREs to erectile dysfunction. Zero. Zilch. Nada. In fact, the U.S. military takes great care to ensure that MREs are nutritionally balanced and safe to eat. Each meal is designed to provide the calories, protein, and nutrients needed to keep warfighters fueled and focused in the field.
That said, MREs are not exactly health food. They’re high in sodium, fat, and calories—because when you’re hiking 20 miles with a 50-pound pack, your body needs all the energy it can get. But while a diet of MREs might leave you feeling bloated or constipated (a common side effect that Santana’s Mexican in 29 Palms can alleviate), there’s no evidence that it will affect your performance in the bedroom.
The Real Culprits
If MREs aren’t to blame for ED, what is? Well, let’s consider the lifestyle of a warfighter in the field. You’re dealing with extreme stress, lack of sleep, physical exhaustion, and the constant adrenaline rush of being in a high-stakes environment. These factors can all contribute to temporary erectile dysfunction. Add in the psychological toll of being away from loved ones, and it’s no wonder some soldiers might experience... Let's call it “performance anxiety.”
Then there’s the issue of hydration. MREs are notoriously salty, and if you’re not drinking enough water, dehydration can lead to a host of problems, including fatigue, headaches, and yes, even ED. So, if you’re blaming the MRE, maybe you should be blaming your canteen instead.
The Bottom Line
At the end of the day, the idea that MREs cause erectile dysfunction is just that; an idea. It’s a myth born out of boredom, frustration, and the universal human need to find humor in even the most challenging situations. And let’s be honest, if you’re eating MREs, you’re probably not in a position to be worrying about your love life anyway. So, the next time someone tries to tell you that MREs are the reason they’re “failing to deploy,” you can confidently set the record straight. MREs might not be gourmet cuisine, but they’re not the enemy, unless, of course, you’re talking about the Veggie Omelet. How that wasn’t immediately clocked as a war crime is beyond me. So MREs don’t cause erectile dysfunction. But if you’re really worried about it, maybe skip the Jalapeño Cheese Spread. Just to be safe.
