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Open this article at your Super Bowl party, and call people out!
Non-Alcoholic Options
“It would be a bad idea to not be in control of my faculties, because I might fight something.”
You’re either deployed, on probation, or have a really short temper. While having the personal discipline to reduce the chances of meeting the cops is a positive quality, keep an eye on this person if their team is playing badly. When they DO start drinking, haymakers may follow shortly.
Cheap Beer
“I’m stressed, I’m broke, I hope my card clears at the end of the night.”
The cheap beer drinker probably will respond to any criticism by referencing their upcoming child support payments. Sure, Natty Light is disgusting gutter fluid, but at least it’s cheap! Watch the tears fill their eyes when you buy them a beer that doesn’t require a tetanus shot.
Craft Beer, IPAs, Microbrews
“I want people to think I’m refined, but I’m going to run out of the six bougie drinks I brought and get into the group beer very soon.”
To be clear, there is nothing wrong with any of these beers as a group. Gulden Drak is excellent (and a high ABV), and there is a sour black cherry something or other served in one particular spot in Virginia that is fantastic.
Having said that, we all know one person like this. They will make a production out of their beer, tell you the personal history of the hops and the lineage of the brewmaster’s cat. You’ll be forced to listen to a weird description of the flavor that won’t make sense, which doesn’t matter because they didn’t bring a lot anyway, which means the cooler with the regular stuff will gain a parasite.
Regular Beer
“It’s been a long year bro, wait it’s only January?”
If you grabbed whatever middle of the road brew first came across your eyesight, there may be a chance you are exhausted and stressed. Enjoy your night, eat too much food, and call an uber to get home. Whatever you do, DO NOT text or e-mail your ex.
Straight Clear Liquor / Shots
“This sport is either my reason or my excuse for drinking until the regrets of my life shut up for a while.”
There is a time and a place for shots, and unless your team beat the spread and won you that rare giant pot of money, this is not it. This person will become louder and more wrecking ball than sports enthusiast at some point in the evening. The game is around 4 to 5 hours long, and they won’t touch a drop of water during that time, so be ready to hold their hair back during the halftime show and have a convenient bucket on standby.
Simple Cocktails or Dark Liquor on the Rocks
“I’m fun when I drink, as long as I don’t cross the Great Seal.”
Shameless Last Crusade reference aside, this is someone you won’t really have to worry about. Sure, the buzz is important, but they wouldn’t be wasting time on ice and mixers if they intended to chug the stuff. Flavor and temperature are important, so they will take the time to enjoy it. The caveat to this is people who make that face when they drink straight spirits… You know the one I mean. They only add the extra touches to the drink to make them go down smoother, so the mixers will only last until they can’t taste any more and they slide to the previous category.
Frou-frou cocktails
“Please don’t give me a hard time in front of my date bro.”
There are two types of people for this one: People who like the taste, and those who are trying to match their date. You can give them a hard time, or do them a solid as a wingman. Or both, both is good.
All jokes aside, we only get one Super Bowl a year, and it’s often not the one we wanted. Make sure to drink responsibly, by which I mean don’t break anything, hurt anyone, or get mad when you wake up covered in sharpie when YOU forgot to take your shoes off. If you’re old enough to drink, you’re old enough to know the rules.
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