This Saint Patrick’s Day, before you head forth into the bar scene to claim some Irish ancestor or say something “Irish” to all of your equally non Irish friends at that English pub downtown, let’s all take a quick moment to figure out what your favorite drink order says about you to everyone in earshot.
Green Beer – I could say “I remember my first beer” but I think we both know this is for people who haven’t been able to drink legally for very long, or can’t handle actual drinking. We get it; you’ve probably been drinking your dad’s Lite beers from the second fridge in the garage since you were knee high to a duck, and for reasons beyond understanding that’s a weird source of pride for you. It doesn’t need to be your only one though, so tone it down and order whiskey like your jeans aren’t skinny.
If you green Guinness, you are a filthy creature and are beyond help.
Guinness – Yes, for anyone who has had traditional Guinness it is not cold, and it is quite thick. Stout is the correct word to describe its weight comparative to regular beers. Essentially liquid bread, Guinness can be an acquired taste, but so can people. Ordering a Guinness on Saint Patrick's Day may be a little on the nose, but as long as you don’t make that face and order something else after the first big gulp, you can pull it off.
It's entirely possible that someone may judge you for the directness, but if you like Guinness you’re the sort of person who is more than likely familiar with outside of the box conflict resolution. Directness is where you live.
White Claw (And Other Seltzers) – Are you on a diet? Is the most important aspect of your life that you wish to project that you’re on a diet? Then low-calorie liquid television static is for you!
It’s often said in writing that if you are writing about a character, are you showing the audience the most interesting thing about them? If not, why not? Does that seltzer make you seem interesting? Wise? Stoic? No. So why did you order it?
Now, I know plenty of folk who drink seltzers and that’s… Fine, I guess. People have certainly been into weirder things. Arson and whatnot. Despite this fact none of them have had the sheer fire of spirit to walk up to a grown bartender and say with their whole chest “One WHITE CLAW please.”
I know it happens. The cans are in the mini fridge below the bar, so someone has to be buying them. Perhaps ghosts, which would explain why they taste like their flavor died unfulfilled.
Clear Liquors – While Ron Swanson once famously stated that “clear alcohol is for rich women on diets,” there’s nothing inherently wrong with the classics, like vodka or tequila. Rum isn’t exactly hard liquor (despite its’ ABV being roughly equal to the rest) but it’s certainly not a seltzer. But here’s the thing… Just because you can make it from potatoes doesn’t mean it's Irish.
Whiskey – So, to quote Mr. Swanson again, “Don’t half ass two things; whole ass one thing.” Really it's about time you got to the right answer, but it’s not entirely that simple. Jack and Coke? Not bad, but American made. Old Fashioned? Delicious classic… Also, American.
Jameson? A solid and easily available choice. Any proper Irish made whiskey will do the trick as long as they have it on hand, and you don’t seem like a poser ordering it because it’s a common enough spirit. You’re a complex person but you have the confidence to not have to advertise it to everyone around. You can enjoy the simple pleasures of life without being pretentious about it.
All jokes aside, drink what you like and don’t worry about what people think. Get the weird, brightly colored drink with the umbrellas and the kiwi slice if it makes you happy. Not to sound like the proverbial broken record, but drink responsibly; not just in the sense that you shouldn’t injure your body or put others at risk, but also so you don’t miss a little snu-snu because you were being sloppy.