Black Friday Warrior

You can barely see the fog from your breath as the lights in the parking lot give off a faint and eery glow. You've joined strangers, five hundred strong, camped outside waiting for that moment. The moment when the doors open and you can grab a 90-foot big screen TV for thirty cents. You're focused. You're ready, you've trained for the entire year for this moment. All of those minutes added up to hours, which added up to days and then to weeks and eventually months...all spent training to find the best deals and fighting the crowds who would rob you of your treasure.You check your gear again. Debit card? Check. Credit card with 0% introductory APR for the first 6 months? Check. Wad of cash from weekly poker games duct-taped to your "No-No Square" in case you need to bribe folks with cash that faintly smells like ball sweat? Check. Brass knuckles because you wish a motherf***er would try and take something from your cart during the mass confusion? Check. Wifes phone that you snuck out so you can both listen to Christmas music and metal to get you hyped and also she won't bother you? Check.The employees arrive, eyeing the makeshift campsite that has been your home for the last three days. They saunter up to the doors, double fisting Monster Energy drinks as they get ready for the flood of people. They're not prepared...not like you. How could they be?

Carol of the Bells hums in your left ear, while Battery is blasting in the right ear. The time is now. You are the Black Friday Warrior.You see the employees getting ready to open the door, abject horror on their faces says all that you need to know. The faint click of the doors being unlocked seems thunderous, you hear it loud and clear over the music. You surge forward, elbowing those who would dare push ahead of you.You emerge from the fray with an actual estimated retail value of over $15,000...while only actually paying about "tree fiddy". It was then you noticed the cashier was no cashier at all but aYou are the Black Friday Warrior!"HONEY, HONEY!! Can you come get the baby so I can baste the turkey?!"You wake up.Shit!It's Thursday.