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China and Russia: Best Friends Forever

June 6, 2019
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No shit. We obviously have some obligation to report on the news, but this...we're just going to use this as an opportunity to shit talk both countries as much as we're able because to those of us who pay attention, Russia and China haven't stopped being BFFs since they both decided they'd get free helicopter rides for life, wink wink, nudge nudge...them out of the helicopter over the ocean...or jungle...whichever, gravity doesn't care.Anywho, Xi Jinping literally said that he and Putin are "best friends" when they both met in Moscow on Wednesday. After their meeting, the two men went on a shopping spree getting Burberry purses and drinking half-caf-vanilla bean soy caramel macchiatos from Ourbucks, it's like Starbucks, but you know Communism, so it's OURbucks, comrade.After they finished their sorority girl-esque shopping spree, the two got mani-pedis, facials...(snicker) and massages to cope with the constant stress of the United States military daring them to do something stupid so the U.S. could correct a mistake made in 1945 by not pushing all the way to Moscow and having Beijing do it's best impression of Hiroshima.After the shopping and the "treat yourself" activities, the two "BFFs for life" sat on a park bench and took selfies with about six hundred different filters trying to make themselves seem young and hip to further encourage young people that Socialism...well Communism is a good look for the future. They skipped back to the Kremlin holding hands with their abundant joy transforming their smiles into something almost supernatural.The two best friends retired to their respective rooms, but not for long as Putin snuck out of his room with all sorts of goodies and snacks. He knocked on Jinping's door and suggested the two watch scary movies like Rambo III and Red Dawn.

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