China Offers Help Amidst Global Crisis

In a rare move by Beijing, one they undoubtedly hope will bring an end to the trade war and rising tensions between them and the United States, China has offered help on how to massacre all the citizens amassed outside of Area 51. The PLA released a statement after conversing with high-level commanders and politicians from the state of Nevada. An agreement has been reached but the details are still being worked out.

"It really is common sense, it's been a long time since the United States government did some mass killings of their own people and since we're about to brush up on our mass murder skills in Hong Kong, we figured we could teach them some lessons we learned from back when nothing happened on June 4th, 1989." -Peoples Liberation Army

The groups of people outside of Area 51 are a diverse group from all walks of life. They simply want one thing. They want the government to be honest...about aliens. Not about fiscal waste fraud and abuse, nope, aliens. And China, despite narrowing the technological gap between themselves and the United States, still feels there is something beneficial to embedding a few dudes and dudettes to sp...help out the Americans.

"They are just out of practice and we, well we have experience with "having nothing happen" eh eh, you get what we're saying right? Of course, you do!" -Senior Chinese Military Commander

It looks to be as if we did accept the help because, well guys, we just haven't seen any news regarding a massacre at Area 51. We know a ton of people still showed up despite it being canceled, but there are no live feeds and no news stories coming out about what was certain to be a massacre. Either nothing actually happened or you know "nothing happened" wink, wink, nudge, nudge.China definitely totally promised they wouldn't look at all the secret tech there while helping defend the installation and like, dudes, they can totally be trusted...right?