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In the Wake of Assassination Attempt on Mattis

October 2, 2018
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Shortly after the Ricin was discovered in letters addressed to both Secretary of Defense James N. Mattis and Chief of Naval Operations Admiral John Richardson, the Admiral was quick to suggest that they dispatch DEVGRU to track down the perpetrators to such a heinous act. They had taken down Bin Laden, why not let them tackle this minor issue? However, it is quoted that SecDef Chaos Actual told Admiral Richardson,"Tell your men to stand down Admiral, it's time daddy got to killin' again." As he uttered that phrase he removed his jacket and ripped off his tie. As Chaos Actual strode to the door the grizzled warrior removed his shirt which revealed the words "Pride, Devotion, Loyalty" in large script across his back. A throwback no doubt to his days as battalion commander of the legendary 1st Battalion 7th Marines, the First Team!"Don't you need this?" Shouted Richardson, holding up an E-tool as Mattis disappeared around the corner.With a thunderous booming voice, Mattis said "F*** no! I'm doing this with my hands."In a little over three hours, the walkway leading up to the main entrance of the Pentagon was flanked with piles of bodies. Mattis stared approvingly at his masterpiece, covered in blood and entrails. Admiral Richardson walked up to his boss."How...how in the world did you find them and then...well THIS?""Haven't I told you, John," Mattis said as he looked at the bodies piled high, "no better friend, no worse enemy."With that Mattis walked back to his office, Admiral Richardson stayed and stared in bewilderment. A crowd had gathered as they realized that in the middle of all of the bodies, Chaos Actual had arranged an Eagle, Globe, and Anchor with the bodies of the guilty parties.When asked to comment on why Mattis had made such a vulgar display of power on the lawn surrounding the entrance, Mattis merely stated that "Those who know what makes the grass grow will understand, no further questions, I've got work to do." "Walk" by Pantera played at full blast as he left the Pentagon Briefing Room.

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