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Little-Known Facts About James Mattis

July 24, 2018
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There seems to be a cult-like following around the current Secretary of Defense and beloved General from the Marine Corps. We find that many people, despite his fame among the warriors of this nation, don't know much about Chaos (he actually prefers Chaos over Mad Dog, so get it straight, lest you be on the receiving end of an infamous knife hand). We're here to shed some light on why the man also known as the Warrior Monk (also a much-preferred nickname over Mad Dog) is so beloved by the men he once led.Here are a few little-known facts about the beloved destroyer of worlds and regimes alike.James Mattis - Secretary of Defense, General United States Marine Corps (ret.)1. As a 2nd Lieutenant on the Land Nav Course, James Mattis found all his points, blindfolded and using his knife hand as his compass. It never steers him in the wrong direction.2. While many believe James Mattis carries his own pack it is actually not true, the pack levitates out of fear of Mattis' knife hand. Even his pack is smart enough to know not to f*** with him.3. Another common belief is that Mattis reads quite fervently, this is also not entirely true, rather he picks up a book and out of fear, the book passes on all of its knowledge to him.4. When Mattis stepped into the waters of The Quigley, they parted out of respect, Mattis then glared at the waters and they turned into rapids because he should not have it easier than anyone else.


5. Despite his experience, James Mattis does not appear to physically lose vigor, this is because he absorbs the life energy of his vanquished foes. Rough estimates actually put his REAL birthday around the time of the Roman Empire...he carries The Meditations of Marcus Aurelius with him at all times...6. He can cook a flashbang grenade.7. As Secretary of Defense, his power tie speaks 3,400 languages fluently and says "I can kill you without blinking" in another 2,400...

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