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Scientists Say 95% of Sailors Hungover After Navy Birthday

October 14, 2020
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Yesterday was the 245th birthday of the US Navy. Today, scientist estimate that 95% of all US Navy Sailors reported for duty hungover, or even still drunk. This is not surprising considering the Navy's historic traditions. The Navy's official fight song, Anchors Away, is the only military fight song that references drinking alcohol. The song stating, "Through our last night on shore, drink to the foam." Meaning, to drink until there is only foam left. Sailors have mixed this proud tradition with celebration for their branch's birthday.Similarly, stumbling back to the ship to beat curfew is a rite of passage to many sailors in foreign ports. Presidents John F. Kennedy, and Richard M. Nixon, who both served in the Navy, recounted their many nights drinking with the local señoritas. Although, they would later deny this in life for political reasons.

Navy Birthday
The science behind the numbers

The scientist who conducted the testing said they were first tipped off when they saw a group of sailors walking down the street in uniform. However, they seemed to be carrying more beer than humanly possible to lift. Dr Kenneth B. Trippin said, "It was like their desire to drink gave them the strength of 10 men!" He went on to say, "I immediately covered my wife's eyes. I couldn't afford for her to see that raw manliness, she's all I have."The doctor subsequently wept openly for several minutes. He continued by saying, "Right when I thought the coast was clear, I saw a group of female Sailors carrying twice as much beer. They ended up being who my wife left me for."Ever being a consummate professional, Dr Trippin went to work to prove his theory mathematically. Once his team reached a conclusion, the Dr attempted to deliver his findings to the local base commander. Who unfortunately was super hungover, and did not need a scientist to know the Navy parties hard. Happy birthday Navy!

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