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Black Friday Brawls Survival Guide: Be Prepared

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November 1, 2022
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Did you know one of the earliest modern references of the term “Black Friday” came about because of the Army-Navy football game? Philadelphia police officers, and bus drivers, came to dread the day in between Thanksgiving and the historic game. This being when people flooded the city for shopping, sports and eventual mayhem. 

Now, Black Friday is synonymous with discounts, stampedes, and absolutely being thankful that you haven’t been caught up in a Black Friday brawl yet. But if you are looking to get yourself wrapped up in some crazy Black Friday activities, here is the perfect itinerary for you to follow:  

17:00 Thanksgiving Day 

You’re wrapping up the big family dinner. Though you may be tired, your night is only getting started. In a mere few hours many department stores will open their doors for the sales to begin. Your loved ones beg you not to go, but you thrive in chaos. It sustains you. You wrap your woobie about you, and fall asleep listening to your favorite Violent But True episode.

23:00 Thanksgiving Day  

Could you sleep? Nah me either. Too excited to watch the spectacle that awaits. It’s probably best to have brewed your own coffee, as most coffee shops will not open for another six hours. Carb load with some leftovers, and it is time to hit the streets to head towards your first destination. Remember, if you see anything crazy turn your phone sideways to record. This is not the day for rookie mistakes.

00:00 Black Friday  

Time for the fun to begin. Doors open for most, but some stores are already open 24/7. Walmart is a great destination for fights any day of the year, and Black Friday is absolutely no different. It’s entirely possible for a fist fight to break out over a completely materialistic item while Christmas music plays over the speakers. Remember to watch your surroundings, stay light on your toes and don’t cross your feet when you juke side-to-side to avoid tripping over yourself. 

02:30 Black Friday  

Maybe it’s time for a bathroom break. You can stop by GameStop, if you’re brave enough. Aside from the masses of gamers swarming the store, beware of mothers allowing their children to take dumps on the floor (yes this has happened). Do not make eye contact with anyone.

03:00 Black Friday  

Maybe it’s time to class it up a bit, time to hit Macy’s. Department stores will be crowded, full of people getting anxious and tired from wandering around since 18:00 the night before. Sure enough, there will be a fight over perfume and the last pair of loafers. Guaranteed there will be at least 6 bad haircuts asking for the manager.  

05:00 Black Friday  

Starbucks is finally open. Clearly a destination for Karens all year long, Black Friday is no exception. Be careful ordering, a barista might be fighting for their life behind the bar, and God only knows how demanding hangry holiday shoppers can be. If you are a chaotic soul, wait until you’ve already paid to ask for a military discount. They don’t give one, but it will set off a firestorm behind you. 

07:00 Black Friday  

Maybe your family is just now waking up, but you’re trying to get a few more items. Target, Kohls, and Dicks sporting goods are also extremely popular on Black Friday. As the more populated a store gets, the more likely the tensions will rise…  These places offer the unique threat of sports equipment (like bats and hockey sticks) being included in the throng. 

09:00 Black Friday  

Thankfully the IFAC you packed went unneeded and it is time to head back home to enjoy your left overs before getting some much needed shut eye. After such a big day and night, you have certainly earned that thanksgiving dinner, and perhaps a long overdue night cap. 

13:00 Saturday  

Wake up just in time for the Pitt vs. U Miami game, eat more leftovers and bask in the memories from the night before.

Remember, this is a work of satire. Don’t start any trouble, but make sure you’ve refreshed your ground game by reading up on the Top 5 Brazilian jiu-jitsu techniques you need to learn in case you need to defend yourself.

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