5 Gifts That Will Land You Divorced by Valentine's Day

Fellas, with Valentine's Day soon approaching, it is important that you show your lady that you care. Unless you want to end up single in time for Mardi Gras, don’t make these five mistakes… 

5. Cheap Stuffed Animals. This may have been cute in middle school, but aren’t y'all married? Nothing hints at a failing relationship like the failing stitching of a teddy bear she knows you bought from a gas station. Pull it together and show her you care. 

4. Random Boxed Chocolates. There’s an easy way to spice this up, but are you really so incompetent that you don’t know how to take the initiative yourself? If you don’t know how to put in the little effort it takes to research the wine that would pair best with the chocolate you choose thinking of her, maybe avoid such a gift altogether. 

3. Mismanaged Exercise Equipment. Has she been saying she wants a new treadmill? Has she mentioned training for a triathlon? No? Way to make a lady feel like you want her to change in the most unflattering way possible. Expect her lawyer to call you if you bought the equipment second hand from Craigslist too. 

2. Cheap Lingerie. Do you even know your wife? What does she like? What is her taste? You couldn’t splurge and buy her something nice from Victoria’s Secret? Bonus demerits if you got it in a color that she will later say “did not flatter/ was not her color.” Much like the cheap teddy bear, the night will be ruined if she bends to do that thing you like, and the stitches rip…

1. The Dreaded Heart Shaped Jewelry. Everyone sees it on the commercials, the simple heart shaped piece of metal that has the same amount of personality and flare as dishwater. Do. Not. Attempt. Those pieces are cop-outs, low effort disguised as caring gestures simply because they were supposed to be “romantic.” I bet you could pay the same amount for non-heart shaped jewelry and a nice dinner instead. You may be scratching your head here, but trust, there are few heart shaped pieces that show true personality. Also, do NOT get your lady a piece of jewelry that does not go with her style. If you buy her something gold and she only wears silver/white gold, you're telling her you do not actually know her. 

For the ladies…

5. Bad Jewelry. This is to say, do not buy him something he wouldn’t normally wear. If he doesn’t even wear the dog tags he had in Iraq, it doesn’t make sense to give him a gaudy set of dog tags with your face on them.

4. Beauty products. This is not an opportunity to passive aggressively give beauty products you’ve been encouraging him to use. However, a nice scented candle that melts into a nourishing massage oil carries a promise of a fun evening. It’s all about intent.  

3. Work tools. Unless this is part of some sort of “how do I pay for this repair step-plumber?” fantasy, it is not sexy. Save it for another occasion. 

2. Gift Cards. Unless it is to a romantic restaurant, this is very low effort. Even then, just take him to dinner and pay for it.

1. An Oversized Stuffed Animal. Most men won't have anywhere reasonable to put this, and it’s just a matter of time before it gets thrown away or donated. Save yourself the argument. 

Now this is clearly satire, and none of these gifts should actually land you on Judge Judy explaining yourself. However, not putting effort into your relationship can add up. Don’t let an expired box of chocolate you bought at the convenience store be the reason you’re sleeping on the couch this Valentine’s Day.