Go to triangular compass
Left arrow

5 Easy Hacks for Election Day

Mammoth Sniper Challenge
Mammoth Sniper Challenge
November 7, 2016
Share on Twitter
Share on Facebook
Share on Linkedin
Copy Link

Stay Up to Date on American Grit

Thank you! Your submission has been received!
Oops! Something went wrong while submitting the form.

Elections can be tough on families, relationships, and even parenting. Endless arguments erupting at the dinner table can very easily tear apart people who used to be very close. You might find yourself disinheriting your son, or becoming estranged from your brother, just because you disagree about politics.But don't worry; the election will be over soon enough, and we can all go back to arguing about things that really matter, like which shoes are the all-time most operator.With that in mind, here are 5 super-easy hacks to make life more bearable leading up to and after November 8th:

1. Retreat to your fallout shelter

[caption id="attachment_8753" align="aligncenter" width="700"]


A fully self-contained fallout shelter can go a long way toward ensuring peace of mind on election day. Source: Secrets of the State[/caption]Doomsday bunkers are all the rage these days, with entire television shows dedicated to showcasing the art of designing, building and installing these bunkers to exacting specifications.Some of them come fully stocked with furniture, televisions, food, water, and everything you'd need to survive a real apocalypse, while some are little more than simply tornado shelters.Regardless of which kind you have, the safe, secure feeling of being underground on election day should help you feel better about whatever insane direction the United States decides to take for the next four years.

2. Stare at the ground everywhere you go

[caption id="attachment_8754" align="aligncenter" width="396"]


Staring at the ground can help avoid awkward questions such as "Whom did you vote for?" and "where is the nearest Papa John's?" Source: Zimbio.com[/caption]Some of us might have to go out in public on election day. It's not the end of the world! Well, it kind of is, but just remember, if you're feeling a little blue about democracy, there's an easy way to isolate yourself even when you're surrounded by other people. Just stare at the ground!The key is to keep your head angled downward, with your eyes fixated on, say, your feet, or maybe a spot on the concrete a yard or so ahead. Just don't look up and make eye contact with anybody; this could lead to questions and glances in your direction.Pretend to be invisible; a melancholy demeanor helps with this as well. Slouched shoulders, a bit of a shuffling step, perhaps a wistful pursing of the lips, and you'll be ignored by everyone around you.


3. Play dead

[caption id="attachment_8755" align="aligncenter" width="600"]


Playing dead can be an effective way to distract others from the election, as they will be more concerned with your cremation or burial than with voting. Source: Buzzfeed[/caption]Playing dead seems like such a simple concept in theory. What's difficult about laying around and breathing so shallowly that it appears as though you aren't breathing at all? What's hard about pretending to be a corpse on CSI or Law and Order: SVU?Well, it might be an "easy" hack, but it's not as easy as it looks!In order to get people to stop talking to you about the election, you'll need to be really convincing about playing dead. For starters, you should leave some sort of ominous message on the phone of a relative that foreshadows your death. Try a series of voicemails that begin with "I think someone is following me" and ends with "OH MY GOD HE'S COMING DOWN THE HALLWAY RIGHT NOW." That way, people will be sure to actually think you're dead.[caption id="attachment_8758" align="aligncenter" width="620"]

A good murder scene goes a long way. Source: Instructables

A good murder scene goes a long way. Source: Instructables[/caption]When your brother frantically arrives at your apartment, make sure the entire space is destroyed and that signs of a struggle are everywhere. You want to be convincing; any amateur sleuth worth his magnifying class can spot a staged scene, so lay the blood on thick!When the EMT's pick you up to put you in the ambulance, keep your breathing as shallow as possible. If all goes well, you should be able to go to the hospital and distract your whole family from the election. It's a win-win for everyone.

4. Let a tarantula hawk sting you

https://youtu.be/MnExgQ81fhUIf you have a tarantula hawk lying around, just go ahead and let it sting you. Judging by this dude's reaction, I'm sure you'll forget all about election day and will be more concerned with the life-shattering pain coursing through your body.

5. Vote for a candidate that matches your values

[caption id="attachment_8756" align="aligncenter" width="640"]


Presidential candidate Vermin Supreme runs on a platform of free ponies and teethbrushing. Source: C-Span[/caption]Are you voting just because people say you should vote? Have you always looked at voting as a way of getting a couple hours off work? Do the Democratic and Republican parties no longer represent all (or even most) of your values, and you just want to vote for someone that does?Well you're in luck! It's called voting for someone you actually like.Sure, most of the time we can't find a candidate that matches up with our values, morals and standards 100%, but then again, no two people are the same! So this election, think about picking a candidate for whom that person is and what they do, rather than who they aren't and what they don't do. For example, maybe you are hugely into zombie apocalypse awareness and free ponies, but you don't like being told to brush your teeth all the time. Vermin Supreme may still be the candidate that most closely matches your values, despite the fact that he wants to push forward legislation to ensure everyone in America brushes their teeth. Consider voting for him! Otherwise, we'll all just continue being upset and dreading election day forever! Yay!Hopefully these 5 easy election-day hacks were helpful! Like and share this article to tell all of your friends how YOU will be dealing with a stressful election day!

send a letter to congress
Adds section
Next Up
No items found.