The MV-22 Osprey tiltrotor aircraft has been having a bad time lately. After a series of high-profile crashes, including one last week in Okinawa, the ubiquitous Marine Corps helicopter replacement vehicle is in deep trouble. Add to that maintenance issues and the fact that all Marines hate them, these Osprey aircraft might be due for an upgrade.Here are seven well thought out suggestions for suitable V-22 Osprey replacements:
1. Johnny Knoxville's Rocket from Jackass 2
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Fill these with explosives and put daredevil devildogs on them. Source: Tumblr[/caption]A fleet of high-explosive, man-carrying rockets, launched from mobile HIMARS platforms, carrying Marines in wingsuits? A winning formula. Each Marine would be selected from a Recon battalion and given a wingsuit. The rocket would be aimed in an arc over the enemy's position, and when it begins to descend, the Marine would jump off and float behind enemy lines, thus avoiding the resulting explosion. It would be like Army paratroopers on D-Day, except way cooler. Think about it.
2. Lambda-Class T-4a Shuttle
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Exceptionally agile and able to jump into hyperspace, these ships are perfect Osprey replacements.[/caption]The Lambda-Class T-4a shuttle is a perfect replacement for the Osprey. It has vertical takeoff and landing capabilities far beyond those of the Osprey, exceptional weaponry, and can carry 20+ Marines to combat. Futhermore, it can be used as a private jet with up to 8 staterooms for distinguished guests. Equipped with Holonet transceivers, shields and personnel tractor beams, this shuttle would make Russia’s helicopters look as antiquated as that old lightsaber Obi-Wan Kenobi gave to Luke on Tatooine.
3. The Ghost Rider Motorcycle
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This vehicle would change the face of urban combat. Source: Ghost Rider Movie[/caption]This motorcycle features a faster top speed than any conventional vehicle, as well as the ability to perform seemingly impossible feats such as riding up vertical surfaces, across water, and leaping great distances. The addition of a Ghost Rider MOS would give demon-like powers to certain select Marines, allowing them to do crazy stunts and fight evil more effectively. In addition, Military Operatons in Urban Terrain (MOUT) would be much easier to conduct with a fleet of wall-climbing hell-bikes.
4. Hot air balloons
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Imagine a fleet of camouflaged hot air balloons like this, fully equipped with Mk-19 grenade launchers and M2 .50 cal machine guns. The Taliban would stand no chance. Source: Emily's Entourage[/caption]Hot air balloons offer exceptional floatability, lighter-than air capability, and allow Marines to mount machine guns on the side in order to rain down hate from above. The nylon covering can be converted easily to MARPAT in order to camouflage at low altitudes, or left grayish-blue to blend in with the sky. Upgrading to (fairly) safe hot air balloons would allow the Marine Corps to save plenty of money: a hot-air balloon might run around $50,000, while a V-22 Osprey costs about $72.1 million per unit.
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Imagin the feeling of riding into combat against ISIS on one of these winged beasts. Source: Gifsoup.com[/caption]Hippogriffs are part bird, part horse, and 100% combat multipliers. Like Marines, they are immensely proud creatures and require those wishing to ride them to bow before them and show respect. They can be used by two-person machine gun or rocket teams from above, and can literally rip the throats out of the enemy on across any terrain. Logistically, they usually eat ferrets and other small game on their own hunting trips, which makes supplying them far easier than the V-22, which requires aviation fuel. The only downside is that they are quite rare magical creatures and would require trained wizards to find and capture.
https://youtu.be/3QdDqIqGWboThese fast, maneuverable bikes have the capability to quickly deliver forces across complex terrain, including trees, rocks and mountainous areas. Used in a cavalry charge-type attack, these bikes can circumvent the normal obstacles to vehicles (canals, lack of roads, mud) and attack the enemy with rockets and lasers outfitted near the front of the speeder bike. The only downside is that speed might make Marines more prone to accidents. Best to make sure devildogs are wearing proper eye pro and kevlar helmets at all times.
7. Power Wheels Barbie Ride-On Jeep Wrangler
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Source: Kohl's[/caption]While it can't fly, there are still certain qualities that make this an excellent choice to replace the Osprey. With a top speed of 5mph, this Power Wheels Jeep Wrangler won’t get you to the battlefield as quickly as an Osprey might, but it probably won’t crash on the way there. Featuring doors that open and close, a forward and reverse gear box for maximum mobility and a pretend radio with “6 jammin’ tunes,” (not featured on the V-22), this could easily become a combat-essential vehicle in the Marine Corps’ arsenal.