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12-Year-Old Prodigy Unlocks the Secret to NFL Draft

May 2, 2017
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Des Moines, IA- One wouldn’t expect to find a draft guru in a backyard garden shed, but that is where 12-year-old prodigy Steven Rasmussen has turned the NFL on its ear. Inside his war room, Steven has charts, grids, scouting reports and statistics hanging from every inch of wall space. Clad in Adidas sweats and a faded Chuck Long t-shirt that belonged to his father, Steven manages phone call after phone call from GMs across the NFL.Even to the casual observer, it is clear that most General Managers in the NFL are guessing on talent. While some guess better than others, typically there are more busts than booms on draft day. General Managers league wide are aware of the temporary nature of their results-driven field, so they are clamoring to get access to the Wunderkind.[caption id="attachment_11343" align="aligncenter" width="852"]

ABC y'all. Always Be Closing.[/caption]“Ya know, Stevie came to me with some goofy equation that I couldn’t make sense of. I’m a Gym teacher, ya know? But he was so sure of himself and told me that he had found it. He said he found the secret to drafting in the NFL and could predict Hall of Fame talent, 100%, and never miss. He explained it to me a couple times and it made sense enough that I went right outside and moved the lawn tractor and shovels out of the shed and set up a desk”, Steve Sr. said from his recliner while he watched Arena Football highlights.


He won’t give any details or specifics about his formula, but sources have indicated that it is based on the equation for normal distribution and the “He’s Awesome” argument.Leaning back in a chair on a rare break Steven coyly remarked, “It’s all right there. Just take a look. The numbers are readily available, I just made them sit up and listen,”The sources also indicate that it is legit. It has even gotten the attention of NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell. Mr. Goodell tried to insert himself into the deal but was denied by the young mathmagician.Stevie is careful to safeguard his draft formula until he is able to negotiate deals with all 32 NFL teams.[caption id="attachment_11344" align="aligncenter" width="595"]

Steve Sr. didn't grasp the formula but says he fine with it.[/caption]“I don’t want to get into numbers, but of course we are talking about generational wealth here. I’ll be able to buy Facebook and Amazon with money left over to rent out Jump Zone for my birthday. It’s the details of these deals that matter. I want free nachos at all stadiums, I want to do the coin flip at any game, I want to hand the players Gatorade when they come off the field and other cool stuff like that. I want my friends to see me on TV and be super jelly,” Stevie commented as he finished off a Capri-Sun.Not everyone is excited about this new discovery. Legions of football writers across the country are threatened and fear for their jobs.Prior to Stevie’s historic discovery months would be spent by the media speculating on who a team would and should draft. Day after day fans would be bombarded with endless guesses about needs a team has to fill. With the certainty of this new formula, there will be no need for speculation. Now beat writers, columnists and sportscasters may be out of work, and they aren’t taking it well.“He doesn’t know sh-t”, a veteran NFL analyst who didn’t want to be identified said. “He’s guessing like the rest of us. But I tell you what, if he has done it, he better take some of those millions and hire some damn security”.

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