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Wife Tries to Raise Kids Vegetarians, Husband Calls Police

Veteran News
Veteran News
October 24, 2016
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**DISCLAIMER: This article is a mix of fact and satire. Hopefully, we've made the distinction between the two clear enough.**People have called the cops for all sorts of strange reasons. Depending on how big a carnivore you are, this one could be justified.A Russian man living in Vladivostok with his family was alarmed when he discovered that his wife was "forcing" his children into a vegetarian lifestyle.

We don't know the details of how this call came to be. But we can set the stage in our minds. We can use our imagination...

Instead of the meatloaf he was hoping for at last night's dinner, he got a blasphemous concoction made of lentils. His fork paused over the... thing... as he looked at his wife across the table with a mixture of incredulity and horror. It might be just a one time thing, he thought. Just a blip on the radar. Surely this won't be permanent. Breathing in heavily, he put half a bottle of ketchup on it and managed to get through the experience.

But today, he came home from a long day of work, and went to the kitchen for a snack. A silent scream entered his mind as he looked into the fridge. Gone were the steaks, the burgers, the chicken, the veal, the delicious little sausages he liked to have for breakfast. And then... he couldn't find the BACON. FOR THE LOVE OF GOD! NOT THE BACON.

He stumbled back a few steps, fumbled for the phone and, hands shaking, immediately called the cops.


DISPATCHER: This is Russia's equivalent of 911, what is your emergency?

RUSSIAN GUY: Hello? M-My wife has gone insane. Where... where is the bacon?! Oh my god. All the meat is gone-

DISPATCHER: Hold- hold on sir. Take a breath. What is going on?

RUSSIAN GUY: My wife, she- oh god. She, she's trying to raise my kids as... as VEGETARIANS!

DISPATCHER: I... uh. Could you repeat that, sir?

RUSSIAN GUY: There's no meat in this house, there are little clippings of vegetarian recipes taped on the cabinets. The magazines are everywhere, all over the tables, in shreds- Oh, no... no, her Pinterest is open, it's all beans and salad and....


RUSSIAN GUY: -muffled sobs-

DISPATCHER: Did I hear you correctly, that your wife is giving your kids a vegetarian diet? Is that why you called?

RUSSIAN GUY: YES! Didn't you hear me the first time?! My children, my poor children, where are my sausages?! I loved those things! She knows I do!


RUSSIAN GUY: Do you realize how this will affect my kids? Their growth and development? They might turn into pretentious jerks that think they are better than other people because of their "superior" diets. Or... worse...

DISPATCHER: Uh... worse?

RUSSIAN GUY: They... they could become VEGANS.

DISPATCHER: Oh my god.

RUSSIAN GUY: -sobbing- Please, please, just send someone. I'm begging you.

DISPATCHER: Sir, I'm not sure if the cops are the right people for this job-

RUSSIAN GUY: Please, you've gotta help me!

DISPATCHER: I'll go ahead and notify someone with Social Services to make sure you guys are ok.

RUSSIAN GUY: -Sniff- Oh, thank you. You're awesome, man. Thanks a lot.

DISPATCHER: It's vegetarian, right? The diet?

RUSSIAN GUY: Yeah, right.

DISPATCHER: You still got cheese? Eggs?

RUSSIAN GUY: -Deep Breath- Yeah... yeah I do.

DISPATCHER: Ok, man. Make yourself some scrambled eggs with cheese right now. I'll wait with you on the phone until the social worker gets over there.

RUSSIAN GUY: Ok. Ok. Thanks so much.

DISPATCHER: No problem, man. Hey... I'm here for you. Alright?

RUSSIAN GUY: That... that means a lot, man. -sniff- ...I'm going to make those eggs now.

DISPATCHER: Cool. I'll be right here for you.

-AHEM- Back to reality now...

The Russian man did claim that the vegetarian diet was hurting his kids' "growth and development," according to a police spokesperson in an interview for Interfax. Social services were called to check on the kids, just to make sure they were ok. But in the end, police didn't think that this was worth further investigation, and social services determined that the kids were just fine. “The children didn’t complain about their mother, and the living conditions appear to be fine,” officials told Interfax.

But we still feel for this poor dad, that's been deprived of his daily meat indulgences. Hopefully he'll get through this somehow.

For just 20 cents a day, you can help these helpless people get into good homes with good bacon.

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