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Six Reasons to Consider Becoming a Security Contractor

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August 29, 2016
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1. You hate your family

Being a security contractor is much better than seeing your kids and wife every day. Let’s face it: they’re awful. Ever since you got married during your time in the military and your wife pumped out four kids, you’ve wanted to get away. Baby showers, diaper changes, baseball games, priceless childhood moments. Fuck all that. It’s best to be far, far away when your wife calls to tell you that Jimmy failed second grade (again) and your daughter Elaine started wearing makeup at age four. Come to think of it, Jimmy doesn’t even look like you. Like, at all. He looks a lot like your best friend from your old unit, though…[caption id="attachment_7886" align="aligncenter" width="800"]


Are you unhappy? Go to Kuwait! She can deal with the kids.[/caption]

2. You like having nice stuff, but you don't like using any of it

You’re the kind of asshole who kept comic books in the original wrappers, never opened action figure boxes, and made sure that your baseball cards were in binders all the time. You took in 130,000 from contracting last year and spent it on guns, a new truck and a huge boat. Luckily, you never have the chance to damage any of your pristine shit because you’re gone 320 days a year. #Winning.[caption id="attachment_7885" align="aligncenter" width="640"]


Making payments on shit you don't use is the best! Source: Just a Car Guy[/caption]


3. You hate boring desk jobs

All those chumps back in the states, in their air conditioned offices, with their fancy degrees, making a measly sixty grand a year, never being in any danger, sitting on their butts in their boring desk jobs are all doing it wrong. You’re so much better than them, sitting in Afghanistan, in a tower, jerking off to porn on your iPhone, and sleeping in a windowless box.[caption id="attachment_7882" align="aligncenter" width="1000"]


Desk jobs are for suckers. Screw making 70,000 a year and drinking beer, you'd rather be in Kabul! Source: Career Realism[/caption]

4. You're so tactical, Travis Haley watches your Youtube channel for pointers

While some less-operational operators still choose to wear 5.11 pants and use vertical foregrips on their rifles, you know that true operators have evolved past that shit. You ball out and buy Arc’Teryx pants for 400 dollars a pop to show everyone at the range how insanely fucking tactical you are. Just, ignore the botched AR-15 reload. And the Glock misses. You never get to practice because you’re deployed all the time, dude.[caption id="attachment_7887" align="aligncenter" width="510"]


Operators never run from a firefight. You never run at all! Source: Cal Guns blog[/caption]

5. You love the thrill of travel and life-threatening danger

Your favorite part of deploying is getting on half-broken planes and wondering if you’ll ever make it down alive. You like your airlines to have one-star safety ratings. You enjoy it when the tail of your aircraft smacks the runway on landing with a satisfying thud. Smooth takeoffs? No thanks, you’d rather clip a mountain and perish. As a contractor you will never fly first class either, but you don't care-you like sitting next to smelly Belarussians.[caption id="attachment_7884" align="aligncenter" width="600"]


They don't call it "Scariana Airlines" for nothing. Source: Independent[/caption]

6. You hate sunlight

You’re a vampire. The enormous bags under your eyes are not just from working swings and night shifts every time you deploy. Your pale skin doesn’t just come from not seeing the sun for four months at a time. Your completely screwed up circadian rhythm is not just a result of sleeping in a containerized housing unit with no windows. It’s also because you literally suck the blood out of other people in order to survive. You sparkle in the sunlight and I swear I saw you turn into a bat one time. Seriously, what the fuck?[caption id="attachment_7881" align="aligncenter" width="640"]


You are a vampire. Source: Pinterest[/caption]

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