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Opinion: Bring Back Keelhauling

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June 4, 2019
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At least bring that shit back for this one instance. Navy...just do us all this one solid and bring back keelhauling for Stephen Kellogg III. We may not be at war with Russia, but given our history with the nation and the de facto President for life Vladimir Putin, selling our secrets and defecting to Russia might as well be an act of war. So we think, Stephen here should be subject to keelhauling rather than confinement.See, folks Stephen is an asshole. But not your garden variety asshole. No, Stephen is a nuclear grade asshole because that's what he was trying to sell to the Russians, our nuclear propulsion secrets. That's also what he was convicted of and is serving three years confinement for.For those of you who don't know what keelhauling is, let us paint a grim picture for you. You loop some rope or what not underneath the ship, preferably while it's moving, and attach said rope to the sailor in question. The convicted treasonous sack of whale shit then gets to go for a ride underneath the ship. Do you all know what grows on ships below the waterline? Barnacles. Did you know that barnacles are rather rough and jagged and will usually cause multiple grievous lacerations? You do now.Keelhauling was...banned due to the "cruel and unusual" nature of the punishment. Survivors of keelhauling would usually have tremendous scarring and/or head trauma along with some serious mental issues that come from being scrapped along the underside of a moving warship. Back when we had wooden ships, it was a helluva penalty, we can only imagine now with the immense size of some warships, that it'd be even more heinous.We know what you're thinking, "Gee American Grit, that's pretty harsh."Yeah, it is...but you know...nuclear propulsion secrets going to a former member of the KGB who runs a criminal organization that fronts as a just gets us a little...worked up, maybe even triggered (oh dear god no).Look it's really simple. If you don't want us thinking you should get keelhauled, don't sell nuclear propulsion secrets to Russia...or anyone else for that matter.

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